Without a Word: Racism always cuts deep

I remember walking into a building for a meeting and my first reaction - “Wow, this seems like a cool place…I really feel at home!” And the thing to note is that it’s the ‘feeling’ I had that is important. 

When I see commercials, movies or even shows on Netflix where there are faces like mine, I sometimes leap out of my seat in excitement. Or at least start taking notice. 

It’s not uncommon to see Asian faces on our screens. They’ll be sprinkled here and there. Maybe it’s a family, a technician in a control room in a sci-fi series (often the case), a doctor, rather than a nurse. Or a kick-ass female character who can do impressive spinning kicks in mid-air. She knows how to handle a sword or long staff, and boy does she have a good ‘game face.’ 

Then there’s the nerdy Asian school kid - normally a boy with glasses. Bald Asian gangsters with barely-there moustaches and dragon tattoos who do business in smoke-filled back rooms, and dark alleyways. And I’m sure you’ve observed more than a few deadly Asian seductresses with accentuated almond eyes slinking their way across the silver screen.

While I celebrate and embrace the visibility of Asian faces, I often wonder what the perpetuation of these stereotypes does to our everyday psyche. And when I say, ‘our’ I mean beyond anyone that looks remotely like me. 

“Creating a space that is ‘culturally safe’ is more than about slapping a diversity label onto your brand or job advertisement. It’s about the act of ‘being,’ rather than just showing. ”

I grew up in Christchurch, regarded by those who have had the misfortune of experiencing it, as one of the most racist cities in the country. That’s a big statement. I don’t mean to insult anyone who lives there, that's not the point of this story. But growing up in the flat city, I had countless experiences of being intimidated by skin-heads and non-skinheads alike. 

I’ve been told by grown men and women to “Go home...go back to where you came from.” But if they spoke to me in person they would quickly find out that home is down the road, and I probably speak better English than they do.

Most of these negative experiences happened to me as a teenager. But going back to my hometown as an adult, I realised nothing had changed.

On a drive near the airport, my partner at the time stopped his car on the side of the road to get some fresh air. A long, dark vehicle parked up alongside us. 

I’ve never been stared down by a car full of people in broad daylight before. 

On closer inspection, it was a family of skinheads.

The stone-cold, steely-eyed looks from the two children in the back seat signaled to me that in their short lives they had already been taught to hate.  We didn’t stay long. The driver started getting out of his car, staring at us with threatening eyes like a pit bull who had been starved for days and sent into a dog fighting ring. 

Discrimination and racism can be felt without a word being exchanged. It doesn’t matter where, when, or who it is that yells at you or threatens with their eyes, the experience always feels the same. 

There’s the shock that stops you in your tracks because it always comes out of the blue. It’s almost like someone has punched you in the stomach and winded you. And if you’ve ever known what it’s like to lose someone close, it can also feel akin to that deep feeling that sits inside, burrowing deeper and deeper… a numbing pain that engulfs you until you feel everything, and nothing.

That feeling can stay for days, months, and even years afterwards. 

Discrimination and racism impacts the way you see yourself and the world around you. It tells you that you’re an outsider, that you don’t belong, that you’re dumb, you’re there to be exploited, spat on, spoken to with a condescending tone. It pushes you further and further towards the periphery…until you’re finally sitting on the outside looking in.  

But there are different ways to experience racial discrimination. It can manifest in more subtle ways too. 

I trained as an actor at New Zealand’s leading drama school, Toi Whakaari. But before my formal training, I wanted to find an agent.

On a trip up to Auckland, I remember one agent coming back to me saying they didn’t want any Asian actors on their books. At the time there were barely any Asian faces on our screens. I had so many questions going through my mind. Was it because they didn’t see the need to represent someone who looked like me because the demand wasn’t there? Or maybe it was due to the fact I didn’t have the formal training under my belt yet. I found myself trying to justify why they chose to use those words.

On receiving the email I burst into tears. It also brought home the harsh, judgemental industry I was about to enter. Looks matter. And the message that rang loud and clear was that some people will always be overlooked and excluded because of their race.

If I had enough confidence, I might have held the agency to account. Social media wasn’t around then and I would have been too shy to go to the news.  Instead, I’ll always have a feeling of distaste when I think about that particular agency.

Discrimination isn’t great for your business or your brand reputation. For the people who have had negative experiences in the workplace or even a social setting, these feelings linger long afterwards, and I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that.

Subtle forms of racism play out in everyday life. I would like to say that it’s easy to develop a thick skin and to some degree that’s true. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to forget. I can recall every single racist experience I’ve ever had and it always cuts deep. 

A former colleague once said to me over the phone that I didn't sound ‘Asian.’ 

I was shocked. I had considered this person a friend. This was someone I viewed as intelligent, socially aware and perceptive. I realised in that single moment that I had assumed way too much. 

What does ‘sounding Asian’ even mean?

Is there an assumption that if you look Asian you can only speak pigeon English? 

With 48 countries and around 2,300 languages, Asia is diverse in itself. Nobody ever makes the statement that all Pakeha look and sound the same. To me, hearing that I didn’t sound Asian only reinforced and reflected how pervasive negative racial stereotypes can be. 

I don’t think that this person meant to blurt out such a racially insensitive comment. But it happened and in that particular moment I didn’t feel at home. I didn’t feel like I was in a cool place where someone like me belonged. In short, I didn’t feel safe.

I had also heard the same sentence uttered from the lips of a Neo-Nazi during a studio interview. We were speaking to one another from different parts of the country - he had made assumption that I was just like him, until I dropped the A-bomb.

Yes, I told him I was Asian.

This followed directly from him saying that he hated seeing Asian people on the streets.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

For much of my career - as a broadcaster and writer - I’ve told stories that explore other people’s lives, always with the aim of letting the listener (or reader) feel what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes. 

These kinds of stories can make a difference. If done properly, they can also be transformative. They challenge us to think and reflect about what we truly value. They give us a chance to understand where the obstacles lie within our environment and even the way we think. 

Over the past few years I have noticed organisations and companies focusing on a shift towards inclusion and diversity. But in that same vein they often don’t know where to start.

Creating a space that is ‘culturally safe’ is more than about slapping a diversity label onto your brand or job advertisement. It’s about the act of ‘being,’ rather than just showing. 

In order to build diversity, organisations need to think about where they’re truly at before shifting into a space that they don’t understand.

There is a real need for companies to accept and acknowledge that deep research needs to be done. It’s likely to be confronting territory that will reveal where your limitations - and your way of thinking - really lies. There will be times that are incredibly uncomfortable…but dealing with racism and discrimination in order to work towards diversity and inclusion isn’t easy, and nor should it be.

It means addressing how language is used in everyday scenarios. It will entail doing your research, investigating and building knowledge around other cultures - the values, subtle cultural nuances and layers within them. None of that can be done on a superficial level if you want to see real change.

But what’s also important is not being afraid to ask questions. To speak to the people who sit on the periphery - the outsiders who can tell you what they see…because you can’t see it for yourself.  

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